Anyone who has attended one of my programs knows I genuinely geek out on sharing concepts, approaches, and tools that help us solve problems, make better decisions, lead more effectively, and communicate effectively under pressure. This latter topic—communicating successfully under pressure—was the focus for several corporate clients in multi-session workshops this summer. In this article, I share some concepts that fired up discussion and that the groups found compelling. Use the ideas in great communication health!
Four Big Topics from the Succeeding with Challenging Conversations Programs
1. CONNECTING is key. Always!
The key to successfully communicating in the workplace starts with connecting. (Charles Duhigg does a masterful job highlighting this in his latest book, Supercommunicators—How to unlock the secret language of connection.) Feedback from the various groups suggests we often fail to connect because of the pace of work. All agreed that’s not a good excuse. Taking the time to check in with someone, show interest in them, inquire about a trip/family member/activity, or let them know how they might have helped you in a prior conversation is easy, not time-consuming, and potentially priceless.
Duhigg reminds us that people typically have one of three conversation types: facts/figures, emotions, or identity. We can improve our success at connecting if we recognize what conversation they are in or desire to have and match them. It’s the failure to match that often generates stress in conversations.
I shared how I approached my boss one morning, excited to discuss a new investment initiative. After a few awkward moments, I recognized my boss was somewhere else. He had attended a board meeting the night before, and I remembered how stressful these events were for him. I adjusted my approach, matched him, and asked him if he wanted to go for a walk—his typical stress therapy. We did, and eventually, he looked at me and said, “Thanks for listening. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?”
The moral of the story is that it pays to take the time to figure out how to connect with someone. Meet them where they are and then bridge to your desired conversation. It takes focus, empathy, and some finesse.
2. To CONNECT, strengthen your EMPATHY muscles.
Empathy is critical to connecting with others and can be strengthened like your physical self. Digging into the research on empathy, it’s more than just seeing a situation from someone’s perspective. The three stages include I See/I Feel/I Want to Help. When engaging in challenging workplace topics or striving to connect to someone who is a bit of a brick wall, engaging at all three levels of empathy is essential. The groups focused on some phrases to help, including:
I can see this is a difficult issue for you.
I know if I were in your shoes, I would struggle too.
I want to help. Let’s explore some options.
Whatever your phrasing, remember that empathy, commonly described as perspective-taking, does not just happen in your head. Verbalize your empathy using the three levels and importantly push yourself to be part of their solution. Note: do this well and you’ll build a positive Reciprocity bank account you can draw upon in later situations when you need help.
3. Listening is hard work that pays big!
Most of us think we’re good listeners. What if you’re not as good as you think you are? (I know I’m not. I have to work hard to truly focus.) Listening is a complete mind/body exercise that takes deliberate effort. I’m reminded of a quote from the author/consultant Tom Peters, “If you aren’t sweating after a conversation, you weren’t listening hard enough.” Since people who feel listened to feel respected, and respect turbocharges quality dialog, it pays to be great at listening!
An exercise routine to strengthen your fierce listening muscles:
One of the groups defined a routine to shift into Fierce Listening mode. Use or adapt for your purposes:
- Shut down or eliminate potential distractions. Turn the phone off, turn it over, put it on silent, and occasionally throw it in a drawer. The same goes for other screens, especially e-mail, and that nonsensical dinging that some people have turned on with alerts.
- Invoke an internal mantra: I’m here to help this person.
- Ask the individual: What would you like to achieve with this conversation?
- Clear your mind. Relax your posture, and make eye contact.
- Use what Duhigg calls Active Looping—repeating what they said in their exact words. Ask clarifying questions where needed, and then repeat what you heard.
- As you resolve, ask them if they have achieved their goal for the conversation. (Quality check.)
I love the routine, particularly the front and back end quality checking! Go long with this routine and strengthen as a listener today!
4. Get the stress out of feedback with your team—have the talk!
The topic of feedback—giving and receiving—always sparks energetic discussion. Managers don’t love sharing the tough kind; no one likes the idea of receiving the tough kind, and even positive feedback is awkward for many. Worse yet, feedback is supposed to flow in three directions—up, down, and sideways, yet it often doesn’t.
Aside from the mechanics of designing and facilitating quality feedback discussions, we discussed how to normalize expectations around feedback with groups. That’s a fancy phrase for “Having the talk” about feedback with your team.
Discuss the purpose of feedback. Talk about what good feedback looks and sounds like and what it takes to give and receive both. Ask people how they like to receive feedback. Ask them what their concerns are about giving you and each other feedback.
One individual suggested working with your group to define the purpose of feedback—align on a common definition, and then let them create some rules for giving and receiving feedback. I love this!
While training should be part of this process, designing and delivering quality behavioral feedback discussions is nuanced. Setting clear expectations for our mutual responsibilities to give and receive feedback is a powerful starting point for building success.
The Bottom Line for Now:
To a person, individuals in the programs recognized the importance of working at strengthening as communicators. One individual shared, “Every problem I encounter has a communication issue somewhere near the center.”
In the words of an early career mentor, “You’ll go as far as you can communicate.” Forty years later, that advice still holds.
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To schedule a Succeeding with Challenging Conversations or Feedback Skills workshop program with Art, e-mail: [email protected]
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