8 Lessons I Learned Spending Too Much Time with the Wrong People

In workshops and live settings, I’ve been asked numerous times about my biggest mistakes as a manager. I’ve made a fair number of them over three decades of leading and managing (and I regularly share these via my cases and articles), however, my Achilles Heel earlier in my career was my propensity to invest an incredible amount of energy and time with brilliant but troubled individuals. Yes, I spent too much time with the wrong people. Not once, not twice, but on three noteworthy occasions. All three were mistakes in judgment.

Noble But Wrong:

In all three situations, I was dealing with brilliant individuals. One, in particular, played a material role in helping our business move from start-up to market leadership.

Each of the individuals had mad skills that any reasonable manager in a similar role would gladly invest time and money in cultivating and leveraging for the betterment of the organization.

Unfortunately, all three individuals struggled in their unique ways with communication, interpersonal or collaboration behaviors.

“Struggled” is the polite term.

In each situation, I offered feedback, secured external coaching, and invested considerable energy in the naïve hope that either I could help them change or, that they would see the light and change of their own accord.

It turns out; you cannot change someone’s nature. For the three above, they made noises as if they wanted to change, but inevitably, I would be on the receiving end of someone or some group from somewhere in our organization marching on my office, indicating the latest transgression or affront of my group member.

The “Too Much Time” Part:

What I didn’t understand at the time was that I was investing inordinate amounts of my energy working with these individuals. As a result, I had less left for those who wanted and would benefit from coaching and development support.

Guess what?

My disproportionate time investment was noticed. By everyone!

It was frustrating for the other individuals, and in a few cases, it created a rift I never successfully healed.

Sadly, for each of the three situations, I rationalized my behavior in support of these brilliant but toxic characters.

This didn’t take place over months or a few quarters.

The shortest attempt at rehabilitation was two years, the longest four.

I don’t give up easily. And they were delivering results we needed as a business.

It’s hard to say “no” to great results.

And, there were those periods of calm, when I believed it was working.

They never lasted.

The “Too Big of a Price to Pay” Part:

My poor judgment spending too much time with the wrong people cost me considerably.

My credibility as a manager was suspect in the eyes of the rest of the group(s).

Team chemistry was polluted by the presence of toxic characters and their occasionally toxic behaviors.

I failed to plan for succession. When they left under varying circumstances, I and we were not prepared.

And worst of all was the opportunity cost of having not spent enough time with individuals who would have benefitted tremendously from the time and developmental effort and investment I plowed into my brilliant, toxic characters.

Sigh.

The Lessons Learned Part:

You cannot change people.
People don’t easily (ever) change their nature.
Hoping people will change is a lousy strategy.
Retaining unarguably toxic actors or actors who don’t support your values is a guarantee to destroy the group and team chemistry.
Some gains and results aren’t worth the price. Don’t be blinded by the light from their genius.
Due process is always in order, just make sure you operate on a timetable and there are defined expectations and implications. Fairness and process are required.
The victims of your imbalanced coaching efforts are the good people who are hungry for and willing to do what it takes to grow.
The real victim from spending too much time with the wrong people is staring back at you in the mirror.

The Bottom-Line for Now:

I’m not the only one who has made this mistake. Chances are you will as well. It’s easy to rationalize supporting talented but challenging people. Ideally, learn from this public confession and strive to minimize the damage. And never, ever forget how much the rest of the people on your team want and need your developmental support.