One of the rude awakenings for leaders promoted from within a team is the uncomfortable recognition that the easy camaraderie of the pre-promotion days immediately gives way to an awkward distancing of relationships.
Congratulations on your promotion. Oh, and you’re no longer part of the gang!
I’ve counseled early career leaders on this topic and one of the most difficult parts of their transition from team member to team leader is the sudden feeling of loneliness.
“I’m still the same person,” they tell me emphatically. “I can separate work from the social discussions at lunch or over a beer after work,” they add.
“Yes you are,” and “No you cannot,” I respond.
The bad news is that close “out of work” relationships (let’s stop at friendships and skip the Pandora’s box of workplace romances for now) will also change. Maybe not immediately, but at some point, you will make a decision that will upset your friend(s) and the reality of your position will become painfully visible to all parties.
The good news is that you’ll go to lunch again…with your team members and also with your new peers. However, it will never be the same. As a leader, you are no longer part of the gang. That is as it should be.
Here are a few reasons why:
- You now have a vote…in some cases a big vote in the fortunes of your colleagues. From simple decisions on assignments and projects to large decisions on promotions and even terminations, you now have influence over the lives of your colleagues.
- See the point above. Everyone knows it.
- Your new role has very explicit responsibilities and a degree of objectivity is required for successful execution of your role.
- You must be comfortable supporting and coaching your team members, and that includes conducting tough discussions. While some might argue that this is what friends are for, let’s face it, it is remarkably awkward to have to tell your friend that her behavior is impacting her career and the output of the team and here’s how it needs to change.
- You need to earn respect and grow your credibility as a leader. That’s not happening at the bar after work or as you sit around and join the group commiseration over the bad habits of the boss. Hey, you’re the boss!
- You’ve taken a step in your career. Like leaving the comfort of high school and home for the foreign experience of college, you’ve embarked on a new journey for destinations unknown. Change is part of the equation.
The Bottom-Line:
I will reiterate that you can still find fun and cultivate effective professional relationships as a leader, and of course, you should. However, if this role is right for you, it’s necessary to leave behind some of the vestiges of your early career. One is being part of the gang.
As a postscript, it’s not uncommon to run into more experienced managers that still try to play the “Hey, I’m just a person here, not your boss” card, and it always smells rotten to me. Don’t believe them. I’ve known more than a few people that ended up on the wrong side of their “buddy’s” decision and wondered what hit them.
Want to command respect as a leader. Start acting like one from day one.
Great post, Art.
At some point, managers forget that feeling of losing the friendship of the team and can delude themselves into thinking that the feedback they receive from their team is honest and open. Although I tend to be an idealist, and want to believe (as they do) that they can get honest feedback from their team, I’m also a realist.
I’ve seen this delusion in the newest and the most senior of leaders. An unfortunate consequence of our heirarchical organizations is that the boss signs the paycheck (literally or figuratively), making the team reluctant to throw caution to the wind and say all that they could (and should). Its unfortunate that exit interviews are where the honesty sometimes surfaces.
Art –
I brilliant post about a simple change in position. Recently, a friend of mine was promoted to a management position with very little management experience. During my performance evaluation, I had the pleasure of explaining the new seperation in workplace lines now that he had beomce “one of them.” Interesting relationship dynamics and a nice piece!
Mary Jo, you are so right on the feedback topic. We as leaders easily fall into the trap of believing what people are saying about our performance. One slightly cynical but wise leader once told me, “Don’t believe for a second that it’s you that makes them so friendly, it’s the position.” Leading can be lonely.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom! -Art
Andrew, thanks for highlighting from the voice of recent experience! -Art
Excellent, Art. One of the worst things a leader can do is to create a “club” where some are in and others are out. Leaders need to surround themselves with people that will tell them what they NEED to hear, and that means purposfully staffing your team with people you know will disagree with you on some issues. We have to make it safe for those folks to have a voice. When a club is strong, the members of the club tell us what they think we want to hear (because we reward them for doing so), not what we need to hear, and they work to systematically silence the voices that would challenge us, our authority, and the nice little club they all benefit from.
Mary Jo correctly calls this a delusion.
Keep up the good work, Art.
Bret, thanks for adding your considerable wisdom! I like the “club” perspective that you raise. -Art