“The secret to my success as a leader in my business has been my ability to offer well-timed and heartfelt apologies after mucking things up.”
The gentleman who offered up this “secret to success” certainly used this tool wisely, judging by the growth of his business over the years and the loyalty and respect I hear in the words of his employees
The apology is an often over-looked and widely misunderstood tool for keeping smoldering bridges from burning out of control and for repairing relationships that were dented somewhere in the chaos of daily battle. It’s also a tool easily misused by people uncomfortable in their roles and seeking to buy compliance by apologizing their way forward.
For Too Many Leaders, It’s Hard to Form the Words:
Some leaders find it difficult to apologize for their genuine transgressions, in part due to the fear of being perceived as weak, when just the opposite is true. It’s difficult to own up to our mistakes and awkward to get in front of those who were adversely impacted and say, “I was wrong and I apologize.”
Others find it difficult to apologize due to a mistaken belief that their title buys them the equivalent of a human relations “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Newsflash: your title doesn’t entitle you to be a jerk.
Ample Ammunition for Apologies:
Stuff happens in the course of daily business. Crises erupt, emotions fly and it’s all too easy for people to misstep and misspeak in the heat of the moment. A poorly stated piece of feedback, an off-handed comment, failure to provide your full attention when someone truly needed it, or a broken or forgotten commitment are all apology-worthy transgressions.
The Power of a Well-Placed and Heartfelt Apology:
-You display your authenticity as a human being. People respond better to authentic leaders than those who work too hard to mask their frailties and flaws.
-You exercise your social intelligence skills. Ultimately, your ability to read and engage effectively with people will determine your success. It’s important to learn how to recognize when you’ve sent someone down the wrong path with your poor behavior.
–You gain some street credibility for making the effort. While you don’t automatically reset credibility lost through your apology-worthy behavior, you can buy another chance to build trust.
-Your honesty sets a healthy tone in the workplace. People make mistakes and instead of sweeping them under the carpet, you are modeling good behavior for everyone to follow
5 Tips for Constructing an Appropriate, Effective Apology:
A Well-Constructed Apology Is:
1. Timely-As close to the transgression as possible, please.
2. Specific-By describing what you did wrong and why it was wrong, you are showing your command of yourself and your awareness of the impact you have on people and on the workplace.
3. Behavioral-Try: Here’s what I intended and why…here’s what I did…and I understand that my approach failed to communicate what I intended.
4. Genuine-Say what you mean and mean what you say.
5. Brief-No one wants you to draw it out. Don’t excuse it, don’t make excuses for your behavior and don’t try and describe the twenty things that happened that day that added up to your bad moment.
Common Apology Mistakes to Avoid:
1. Apologizing as a tactic to assert your agenda. “Hey, I’m sorry to ask you to this, but… .” Don’t be sorry for asking, and no “buts” please.
2. Saying: “I’ll make it up to you.” You cannot buy your way out of a mistake. The apology is enough please.
3. Not apologizing when you’ve mucked up. Get over yourself and get on with it.
4. Waiting too long. If something you did merits an apology, chances are you irked or upset someone in the process. The longer this festers, the greater the adverse impact on your relationship with the individual or team.
5. Bringing it up repeatedly. Once is enough if you do it right. No need to carry around endless guilt and no need to open old wounds. Let go and move forward.
The Bottom-Line for Now:
Unless your membership card to the human race was repealed, you will make mistakes that merit apologies. Effective leaders manage themselves and their mistakes with grace and professionalism, and as uncomfortable as it may be, apologizing is occasionally on the menu. Please make it digestible for all parties involved.
Thank you for expressing these thoughts on the humble apology. I completely agree with the sentiments that managers don’t apologise because of “the fear as being perceived as weak,” or “that their title buys them the equivalent of a human relations “Get Out of Jail Free” card.”
The strength of a great leader is the ability to recognise one’s failings, to learn from them, to apologise for them, and to endeavour to change. The next important step is to never by apologetic for apologising. If you are secure in yourself, in your ability, in your self-worth, then apologising will not make you any less secure, or able. In fact, it shows strength, humility, honesty and integrity.
More of that needs to be found in the workplace. Let’s see more genuine leaders/managers step up to this challenge.
Great post. Thank you.
Kate, thanks for sharing your wise words on the topic! Best, -Art
Art this is the best and most concise discussion regarding apology that I have read in a very long time. I will be sharing it with all of my fellow physicians and all of the department managers. I would add that another benefit of a well constructed apology as you have outlined is that it validates the concerns of the offended party. Great post. Thanks, Al
Al, thank you for the kind words and for your excellent addition! Best, -Art
I also think it is the leaders place to create a workplace where heartfelt apology is ingrained in the organizations DNA. The ability and responsibility to apologize when things are mucked up, misunderstandings pop up, or unkind words escape the subconscious create a workplace where problems can be faced head on and gotten by rather than spinning out of control.
Art,
Anyone who is married and wants to make the marriage last knows they must follow all of the advice that you gave in this post. Apologies are essential. A marriage relationship is much more advanced than a leadership relationship. However, apologies are just as important in a leadership relationship to keep an open line of communication. Thanks, Brandon
Art – Very thoughtful post. I actually was just in a conversation the other day where I needed to make an apology. It always amazes me how the dynamic of the conversation can quickly change once you (or in my case…me) apologize. I was happy to see I nailed the apology based on what you outlined above. While, they are all important, the behavioral one I find is so critical. By saying what your actual intention is – it gives the other person some perspective on how you think. I had once conversation go from “zero to hero” when I explained my intentions and that we were really trying to achieve the same goal (just differently).
Chuck, thanks for sharing your example. Love the “zero to hero” perspective on the behavioral issue.
Brandon, I suspect a great number of married or formerly married readers can identify with your example!
Fred, you bet…the environment…atmosphere where people can effectively deal with mistakes…learn from them and move on is critical. Great leaders are working on that environment constantly.
Thanks to all for your comments! -Art
[…] Leadership Caffeine-The Artful and Effective Workplace Apology: Art Petty’s article on giving an effective apology at work is not only helpful but practical. The nature of management can lead to stepping on other people’s toes from time to time. This article outlines five tips to a good apology (i.e., timely, specific, behavioral, genuine and brief). He also shares common mistakes to avoid (but you’ll have to read the article yourself to get those). Thanks Art! […]
[…] The principles of such an Artful and Effective apology are neatly outlined in this excellent article, where the author quotes an employer who says that “The secret to my success as a leader in my […]