All across America, legions of streetwalkers (not that kind!) have been dispatched to your home to help you deal with the serious issue of your television service. Or is that your Internet service? Or your phones? Or your wireless phones? Or your toaster?

Before you know it, you’ll be pulling out stacks of old bills from your cable/internet/land-line/cell phone providers and nodding your head as the nice streetwalker from BIGCO highlights how very nicely how dumb it would be to stay with what you have, when you could go with the latest INTERGALACTIC service guaranteed to make all of your problems go away and leave you with just one bill.

You’ll likely not say “yes” to the first streetwalker, but once the seed has been planted, you won’t be able to resist digging into the mystery of whether standardizing on one company might just be one less thing to worry about.

If you’re like me, you’ll pick up the phone and call OTHERBIGCO and give them heck for clearly skunking you these past several years. Your nice Rep will apologize and then proceed to launch into a pitch for her UNIVERSAL-PLEX service. She’ll politely scoff at the claims of BIGCO and point out that her technology is so far superior that there is no comparison.

If the Rep does a good job, as mine did, you’ll find yourself investing more time in planning out your new home cable/tv/hdtv/dvr/cell/landline/voice/toaster integrated system and starting to warm to the idea. You’ll probably want time to think it over and to check and make certain that your toaster has the right interface card.

A few more calls later, you’ve discovered the fine print. One company has a two-year contract, one has a one-year contract and the other has no contract. Installation fees range from a hundred-gazillion dollars…..to almost free. Upgrading to other services…or adding toasters or TVs to the network will require replumbing your house or more than likely, adding a new cell tower in your backyard, but they are all different.

Oh, and don’t forget to ask about what happens after the promotional period ends. I’m not certain, but I think in one case, I have to retire the national debt of a third-world country and pay for the children of my rep to go to college at the end of the six-month promotion period.

You realize after 20 hours of work that you’ve become involved in some form of new, maniacal game brought to you by people that have created rules that don’ benefit anyone but them. It’s your job to figure out the catches and traps and gotcha’s! I’m not certain that you as the consumer can win this game, but you can definitely lose. I think the object is to lose the smallest amount possible for the shortest possible commitment time.

The Bottom-Line:

Hey cable/wireless/internet/cellphone companies, your packages stink, your rules are vague and confusing and your marketing sucks.  Oh, and your tactics stink.

Did I mention that the arrogance of suggesting that I pay you to install your new technology in my home so that I can pay you more than I used to for a committed period of time is….well…it’s just plain arrogant.

It’s all about you…and nothing about the customer. We’ve figured out that our lives are now dependent upon you for thousands of dollars per year in fees…and we know that it is your goal to do nothing more than create more ways to suck more out of us, tie us up and leave us confused.

I think I’ll pass and stick with what I have. It’s cheaper and I can tell you to pound salt and turn it all off tomorrow if I decide to go off the grid. Ahh, the feeling of power.

OK, I think I’ll go read a book now. Right after I respond to the tweet from my toaster.