In spite of the best efforts of those of us that write and coach on leadership and feedback, there are still too many managers that wouldn’t know how to construct an effective feedback discussion if their leadership lives depended on it.

The tales that particularly bother me are the ones where the hard working employee is on the receiving end of a long laundry list of vague criticisms lacking supporting examples, and with expiration dates of many, many months ago.

These unfortunate feedback discussions are all about ego on the part of the giver and are perceived as a sneak attack by the receiver. The giver walks away feeling like he executed on his management tasks, and the receiver walks away feeling like he was executed. People appropriately describe feeling angry, confused, frustrated and depressed after one or more feedback attacks.

While there’s no doubt this is a tough situation for the receiver, there are a number of strategies that can take the sting out of the attack and potentially help build or repair your relationship with your boss in the process.

Fair warning! There are no guarantees in life or in attempting to rehabilitate a Feedback Attacker from a position of weakeness. Nonetheless, you owe it to yourself, your boss and your career to try.

8 Strategies for Successfully Managing  A Feedback Attack

1. Resist the Urge to Counter-Attack-It’s normal for you to feel the range of emotions, including outrage and anger or extreme disappointment during a full-scale feedback attack.  Earlier in my career, I would respond to a frontal assault with equal energy, and more than a couple of these discussions dissolved into something that I’m not proud of.

My hard-earned guidance is to recognize the situation for what it is, tell your mind and body to relax, and focus all of your energy on active listening. Your calm demeanor and attentiveness alone are enough to take a bit of wind out of the sails of some Feedback Attackers. And most important of all, you need your wits about you, you need good notes and you need a clear mind to look for the good.

2. Recognize the Situation as a Process, Not an Event-The Feedback Attacker created an event, but you need to manage this as a multi-step process. You’ve already lost the skirmish and now you need to be able to walk away with good intel and all of your body parts, not to mention your job, still intact.

3. Don’t Confuse the Messenger’s Style and Incompetence with the Message-This is my nice way of offering that sometimes there are nuggets of gold buried deep inside the heaping piles of feedback dung surrounding you. It is your job to put on the gloves and dig through the piles for anything of value.

4. Ask Questions, But Be Careful-Good, active listening involves you asking clarifying questions and ultimately, restating the answers in your own words and seeking confirmation. My caution on this one is that most Feedback Attackers are on pretty thin ice with their evidence. They don’t have reasonable answers or specifics for your good and appropriate questions, and if you persist in pushing on the questions, you will leave them no choice but to assert ego and position. It’s easy to perceive and to mistake when a feedback receiver has shifted from the conversation at hand to building evidence for HR. It’s not time to go there yet.

5. Seek First to Understand-Don’t leave the conversation without summarizing and restating the Attacker’s concerns. Forget for a moment that in your mind it is unfounded. You must understand the concerns, no matter how vague.

6. Manage the Go-Forward Process-Most Feedback Attackers not only cannot substantiate their issues, they have no idea how to guide you on improving. It is essential that you seek agreement to come back to your boss with your thoughts on making and monitoring your improvement progress.   Indicate your interest in sitting down to discuss progress and to ask questions on a regular basis going forward. And then do it!  Along the way, you will show your interest in listening and improving, you will show your respect and you will be actively crafting your next review in real time with mutually developed evidence.

7. Work Harder at Managing Your Boss-The feedback process is often massacred by inexperienced and/or insecure managers that truly don’t know what to do. You can respond with outrage and risk becoming a victim or, you can suck it up and work harder at understanding the issues, challenges and priorities of your boss, and then helping him or her with those priorities. Your active interest and visible support for your boss may eliminate the chances of future feedback attacks. In fact, you might just forge a good working relationship along the way.

And finally:

8. Don’t Fool Yourself By Being a Fool-If the boss is truly a Grade-A jerk and your attempts at building a bridge are met with more dynamite, you are not going to win. You can HOPE (a bad strategy) that he/she will go somewhere else, but you’ve got to face reality. You may need to vote yourself off the island.

The Bottom-Line for Now:

Feedback Attackers are petty tyrants and inexperienced leaders seeking to establish authority through control. While fighting back might feel right in the moment, it’s never the right thing to do. Don’t ignore the attack…it is very real and that attitude from your boss is a warning sign. Instead, politely and professionally grab control of the process and genuinely work to improve and to communicate. You might just be helping someone grow up as a leader while you are protecting and enhancing your job.