Overheard from Various Managers:
“I have to walk on eggshells around her.”
“He’s volatile, and I don’t want to upset him, so I steer clear and let him do his thing.”
“I’m afraid to confront her.”
“He’s too valuable to the firm, so we all kind of look the other way.”
How Much Energy are You Expending Trying to Walk on Eggshells?
While it’s doubtful that many of us have ever literally attempted to walk on eggshells, the phrase is idiomatic for those situations where we are fearful of confronting or even engaging with someone lest we draw their attention or raise their ire. I reference these individuals as Attitude Bullies.
As an early career leader, I recall one individual who masterfully exuded disdain and annoyance every time I approached him. Whether it was real or just an act to keep the boss away, it worked until I recognized that I could not do my job while ignoring this character.
I’ve observed as other individuals have allowed toxic employees to manipulate team and office dynamics by creating an “aura of fear” to keep people in check.
And in what may be the most commonplace of all situations, many leaders excuse the behavior of these characters by rationalizing the situation. “He’s the best at (insert activity), and we can’t afford to lose him.”
If you can relate to any of the situations above, or, if you have your own special Attitude Bully that you find yourself “walking on eggshells” for, it’s time solve this problem.
(Note: my focus here is on situations where your primary fear is, “fear of reaction.” If you sense fear of physical reprisal, stop reading and engage your manager and HR department immediately.)
Six Ideas for Clearing Away the Eggshells and Coping with Attitude Bullies:
1. Engage. Your instinct is to avoid and ignore. Do the opposite. You need to cultivate a formal boss to employee relationship with the individual in question. Without engaging fairly and professionally with the Attitude Bully in question, you have no behavioral basis for feedback, coaching or ultimately, some form of discipline, including termination.
2. Clarify Accountability. The Attitude Bully understands that his/her approach results in different standards for accountability compared to the broader population. You need to eliminate any opportunity for a double standard by clarifying the individual’s responsibility for results. And while some feedback purists may disagree, the results include actual outcomes as well as process and engagement quality. One manager used post-project performance evaluations from team members and the project manager to facilitate discussions on interpersonal approach, attitude and other behaviors. Regardless of approach, the Attitude Bully must understand what they are accountable for in terms of results and workplace behaviors.
3. Observe Often, Reinforce Positives and Tackle Negatives. Neither the Attitude Bully or anyone around you will take you seriously until you hold this person accountable for their results and for their behavior. The best way to manage this situation is to observe the individual’s work with others as much as possible. If the individual is a true individual contributor without much team involvement, it’s all on your shoulders to engage often enough to offer quality, behavioral feedback. Tackle performance issues immediately and provide positive feedback as long as it is merited.
4. Warning! Don’t Apologize or Attempt to Praise Your Way Forward. It takes time for some managers to overcome their fear of Attitude Bullies, and those initial steps to engage are awkward and even frightening for some. Beware the tendency to engage by apologizing for your intrusion, and resist the urge to offer positive praise for behaviors that simply meet the standards that everyone else is accountable for. You only weaken your case with the Attitude Bully when he observes your visible discomfort via false praise or excessive apologizing.
5. Build on Progress. More than a few Attitude Bullies have responded to appropriate attention from the boss by becoming productive members of the workplace environment. While I’m practicing without a license on this one, I suspect that some behaviors are cries for attention and for respect. Your willingness to pay attention to someone is a powerful motivator. As you observe positive progress, offer appropriate feedback and importantly, test the relationship by extending your trust on workplace responsibilities. Assuming that your trust is rewarded with results, keep it going.
6. Cut Your Losses. There’s a managerial due diligence process (different than a formal HR process) when it comes to dealing with Attitude Bullies. Your intent going into the “adjustment” process should not be to fire, but to help. Follow the guidelines above, provide clear feedback, document your interactions, and look for progress.
At the end of the day, if you are doing your job as a manager, your involvement will neutralize and even help the individual reform, or, you will have the basis for moving down the path of purging this workplace toxin. Ultimately, your issue is not about attitude, but rather about dealing with performance issues. You’ve got to engage to manage.
The Bottom-Line for Now:
Too many managers spend too much time walking on eggshells. They either avoid the Attitude Bullies or, they deal with them in a manner that reinforces aberrant behaviors. You’re much better suited to sweep the eggshells out of the way and engage to either build a better relationship or establish the basis for ending the relationship. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help from a mentor. Your only mistake here is to continue to try and defy physics and walk across the eggshells. You’ll crush something along the way, and it may be your future prospects in your firm.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mike Henry Sr. and Scott Hartz, Sophie Kramhoft. Sophie Kramhoft said: Leadership Caffeine: If You’re Walking on Eggshells, Something is Wrong http://bit.ly/dJtC3d via @artpetty […]
Art,
The points that you brought up are very good. It is always a challenge to engage those people that tend to be confrontational. At the same time, it is impossible to function as a good team when those people are not engaged or you have to “walk on egg shells” around them. Your six ideas are very good for breaking down the barriers that exist. Thanks, Brandon
Brandon, my pleasure. Thanks for reading and commenting! -Art
Thanks for the Leadership Caffeine Art. Good stuff.
Raff, and thanks for the great pieces on innovation that you and Mike keep supplying! -Art
Greetings Art,
Resisting the urge to give praise for behavior that simply meets the minimum standards of the other employees is a great tip. You won’t gain any points with the Bully himself, and surely the performance will not get any better. Confronting the situation head on seems like a much better strategy than an anxiety attack.
Thx- Alex
Art
Your comments are correct. Additionally a leader’s responsibility is to set the tone and develop the culture for their organization.
Bully’s don’t add favorably to the culture or the bottom line. If they can be adjusted they should be. If they can’t then they will be a great training opportunity for HR. Either way the rest of the team will cue off your response.
Joe, wise words! You as the leader are most definitely being watched. Closely. Thanks much for sharing. -Art
In my last job, I was caught between a selfish superior and an old bitchy subordinate.
My immediate superior only cares about himself, he only wants result but don’t care about other issues, which eventually all ended up at my desk.
The old subordinate (in her 50+ and not married) wanted so much to take over my place but could not due to her lack of experiences, capabilities and certifications. She screams at me when no body is around (yes, SCREAMS), bitch at my back and play lots of politics and gossips.
It was hell going to office everyday. Besides trying to finish my own works, I have to face at least 8 hours of politics each day from these two bullies. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and resigned. I told myself, “All the money in the world is not worth it.”
Rick, I’m sorry that you had such a miserable experience. That sounds like it was cruel and unusual punishment. Although not in this post, I frequently advise people that have done what they can to recognize reality and vote themselves off the island. I’m hopeful that you are in a better role…and remember how brutal that experience was for you, and vow to not let it happen to those that work for you. I’ve learned a lot from some lousy leaders and co-workers. Thanks for writing and sharing. -Art
I work for a creative company that allows and almost praises attitude bullies. Somehow because they are creative, they are allowed to treat others within the company as lesser individuals and spread their toxic attitude like a disease.
I manage five individuals that work in groups with the attitude bullies. They have begun to look towards these bullies almost like the “cool click” in high school. The behavior is much like an episode of Gossip Girl.
The top management of the company seems afraid to upset the apple cart. Your article almost made me cry with excitement to know that I’m not alone. I also realize that its time to make a change.
Charles, you are most definitely not alone! As you pursue next steps, this painful lesson can help open your eyes to the cultural signals in other firms that might indicate the presence of these characters. I know that my own experiences here helped me carefully hone my culture sensing skills for my next opportunities. Hang in there and good luck! -Art
What about when the VP of the company is a blatant bully, and your direct supv. is one too, as well as being verbally abusive? It has been my experience that the attitude at the top of the pyramid is reflected at all levels below, all the way to the bottom. I solved it by, speaking honestly, working hard, completing my 6 years to get vested in the pension plan, and then getting the hell out of town.
Well-played, Quentin. Although six years is a long time to be tortured. Kudos for voting yourself off the island. -Art
All of these are great suggestions for managers, but what if it is a peer situation?
Time for a behavioral feedback discussions. Good feedback practices are directionally neutral. Avoiding the issue will ensure the status quo.