Shameless flattery: the brick wall/loose brick statement in the title is paraphrased from Keith Ferrazzi’s foreword to Just Listen by Mark Goulston.

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Imagine you invested a great deal of time doing the background research, compiling the data, and building your presentation deck for a new initiative at work, only to have it ignored or dismissed.

Or, consider the help you need from the manager in another group. Maybe it’s an essential resource for your project. Or, perhaps you want to bring a new process to life to promote increased efficiency.

It’s devastating when the person you are asking for support says “No,” and you’re left with your needs unfulfilled and a sense that “They just don’t get it.”

I encounter individuals navigating these types of situations all of the time, and I empathize with anyone experiencing rejection of well-developed ideas and requests. However, before frustration boils over or you go into a deep funk and start thinking about getting a new job, think about what you missed in the process.

It’s About Them, Not You

In most cases, people miss by a mile for one big reason: they are preoccupied with their “ask” and fail to consider the situation from the individuals who hold decision-making authority.

Consider:

Your request for their support of a process change might feel like you’re telling them their baby is ugly or you are creating more work for them.

Your resource request is just piling on the stress the individual feels over their challenges to meet their targets.

Your brilliant business case might fly in the face of the established strategy or be one of a dozen the decision-makers hear every week, and it gets lost in the noise.

The individual you need to do something different might have been burned by someone with a prior “ask” and be hesitant to take on added risk.

I’ve also encountered individuals who believe their role is to protect the status quo and others who lead with “No” because they feel disrespected in their work.

In all cases, you’ll struggle to gain support unless you shift your focus from your brilliant, unarguable, data-backed, customer-insight-driven proposal and focus on them.

Build Relationships Ahead of the Ask

Getting things done in any organizational setting is much about drawing upon relationships and providing support than it is about getting your way. Savvy internal operators understand this and strive to cultivate relationships and offer their support long before they need help.

In situations where there’s no pre-existing relationship or reciprocity effect to draw upon, it’s essential to invest time in doing your homework on the person you are asking for support.

What you want to know: 

  • How they view their role and function in the organization.
  • How they believe others view them/their role/their function.
  • What they take pride in with their work.
  • What frustrates them.
  • What their big challenges are right now. 
  • What they perceive is essential for the organization to succeed.
  • What they are seeking to achieve in their role and their careers.

And yes, each of those items is deeper and more personal than most workplace conversations ever venture. Expect to invest time getting to know someone before gaining insights on these issues.

Sidebar: While getting to know someone flies in the face of our do-it at warp speed culture, sometimes you have to slow down to move faster. I once invested six months cultivating a relationship with a senior executive after being turned down with one of my “airtight” business cases.

Four Actions to Support Building Authentic Relationships:

In a workshop, someone suggested that my approach sounded manipulative. Ouch! That’s certainly not the intent. Here’s my guidance to make sure you operate on the side of goodness:

  1. Build relationships because this is how things get done in organizations. It’s common sense.
  2. Never try and maneuver someone into a situation where they are disadvantaged. Once you understand their interests, you can work with them to design approaches that meet your and their needs.
  3. Give them the power to design/decide how to bring your idea to life in ways that don’t put them at risk.
  4. Where possible, make them heroes in the process.

The Bottom Line for Now

People resist anything that threatens their autonomy and safety. People don’t do things because you want them to; they do them because they perceive it’s in their best interests. Quit leading with what you need and start focusing on what’s important to them, and you’ll watch resistance melt.

Art's Signature