Note from Art: I manage to be on the receiving end of frequent, horrific boss and interview stories from blog readers, twitter followers and colleagues around the globe. The level of what I describe as “moronocity” in the hiring community is off-the-charts, at a time when securing great talent has never been more important.

-Overheard: Business Owner to Prospective Marketing Employee:

“Walk around the business at your fastest working pace and find 3 branding inconsistencies.”

Upon returning, Owner to Prospective Employee:

“You were pretty slow. If you were a speedboat, what speed would you move at?”

The Ideal Response: “I don’t know, but why don’t you time me as I head out the door.”

-Overheard: British CEO in the U.S. to Prospective Executive Candidate:

“I never know whether to trust anything you Americans say. You all talk flim-flam.”

The Ideal Response after, “Huh?”: “Dude, did you seriously just insult everyone in America?”

Overheard: HR Professional to Prospective Candidate after candidate asked for additional specificity on the job beyond the very brief ad.

“The ad was sufficient, you don’t need to know more than that.”

The Ideal Response: “You’re right, I don’t need to know anymore.  Pretend I’m a motorboat and try and guess how fast I’m going as I head out the door!”

-Overheard: HR Professional during Reference Check to Candidate’s Valued Reference:

“No, we’re not certain exactly what the job entails yet, but why do you think she would be good for the job?”

The Ideal Response after, “Huh?”: “How fast do motorboats go?”

-Overheard: HR Professional after listening to glowing reference from a former boss of the candidate’s.

“Huh? Who are you talking about?”

The Ideal Response: I don’t know..I’m speechless on this one. Readers?

-Overheard: Speedboat Business Owner above responding to candidate’s question on how job performance will be measured.

Tersely: “How do you think it should be measured?

The Ideal Response: “Take the average rate of a speedboat moving through your restaurant, multiply by 20, and then divide by the number of customers in a month and square the result.”

Had enough yet?

At a point in time when great people have never been more essential to survival and success, I hear horror stories like this on a weekly basis. I wish I was making these up. They’re great examples of hiring professionals shooting themselves in both feet and then jamming the bloody stumps right in their own mouths.

While it’s a buyer’s market for warm bodies, it’s always a seller’s market for great talent. Great talent won’t tolerate those practices for a second.

May these hiring morons and horse’s hind ends suffer the torture of 1,000 incompetent boobs for their next hires.