A Fresh Voice and Leadership and the Art of Apology
Filed under: Career, Fresh Voices, Leadership, Leadership Skills, Life and Business, Management Education, Middle Management, Product Management, Professional Growth, Project Management, Talent Management, Values
There’s an excellent post entitled, “Sorry is not the final word, just the beginning,” by guest author and Product/Project Management Consultant, Lisa Winter at one of my favorite blogs: The Art of Project Management. hosted by the UCSC-Extension in Silicon Valley.
Ms. Winter describes a situation where she inadvertently upset a valuable but delicate team member on a conference call, and then went to significant lengths to apologize and regain his support. In addition to the happy ending, this fine post prompted some thoughts on a topic that I confess I’ve not spent a lot of time thinking about: the role of the apology as a leadership tool.
I can’t help but feel a little guilty that I’ve not raised this topic in the past, and for that, I apologize. (OK, I had to work it in somewhere…)
I have written extensively here at this blog and in Practical Lessons in Leadership on the need for leaders to not mask their own faults and shortcomings. In the book, I suggest that the point in time where everyone on the team sees the leader’s mistake is a powerful moment of truth. The leader can run, hide, dodge and deflect or she can show the team that she is human and leverage the failure as a teaching tool. Of course, this only works if she practices this same technique in the other direction when groups or individuals face setbacks.
But what about the apology? How many times have you observed someone in a position of authority make a decision that turned out to be horribly wrong and come back with an apology?
What about the leader that responded to you in a curt or less than respectful manner?
Good thing you didn’t hold your breath, waiting.
At least one of our national leaders went to the opposite extreme, seizing the opportunity to apologize for all of the nation’s historic mistakes ad nauseum (in my opinion). Rumor has it however, that he might not have been quite so apologetic for his alleged personal mistakes. Frankly, it was hard to tell when he was being sincere and when he was selling. You can draw your own conclusion, but I think Bill would have been a powerful force on a used car lot. (Sorry to those that I offended and Bill, I’m sorry too! Hey, this is getting easier!)
OK, enough tongue-in-cheek. Here are some of my thoughts on the issue and use of the apology as a leader. I’m looking forward to hearing from you, and again, if I’ve offended…
Leadership and the Apology
- Learning how to say the words, “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” should be mandatory training for all leaders. Part of gaining trust and building credibility is showing everyone that you are human. Knowing how and when to use the words is the art of apologizing.
- You can easily adopt “apologizing” as a tactic and that is as incorrect as avoiding the apology when you’ve erred. Abuse the tool and people will quickly see through your disingenuous approach. I’ve observed early-career and first-time leaders that would assert themselves (appropriately) and then apologize for having had to assert themselves. This destroys the leader’s credibility.
- As a leader, you have to make tough calls and often those calls result in some pain. There are many, and perhaps most circumstances where an apology is not needed and would horribly derail your credibility.
- In circumstances where you’ve slipped and truly offended someone, run, don’t walk to apologize to the individual.
- Too many apologies for program failures or not hitting your goals and targets, and you will find yourself apologizing to your significant other for losing your job. As a subordinate, you might get away with this once, but as soon as it becomes a pattern, your boss will see your apologies as a mask for incompetence.
The Bottom Line for Now
Does leadership mean never having to say you’re sorry? I don’t think so. Nonetheless, I suspect that most leaders rarely utter the words, more out of fear of showing weakness than due to their lack of remorse for their transgressions.
What are your thoughts? I’m interested and suspect many readers are as well on the role and use of the apology as a leader.
Comments
6 Comments on A Fresh Voice and Leadership and the Art of Apology
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Scott Booher on
Thu, 11th Jun 2009 9:05 am
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Art Petty on
Thu, 11th Jun 2009 9:11 am
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Wally Bock on
Thu, 11th Jun 2009 11:21 am
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Art Petty on
Thu, 11th Jun 2009 11:37 am
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Fred H Schlegel on
Thu, 11th Jun 2009 2:51 pm
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Gwyn Teatro on
Thu, 11th Jun 2009 5:54 pm
Art, a good post, thanks. I agree that an apology or recognition by oneself that a mistake was made can actually be a powerful thing – not in the sense that we should all take a lot of time pondering our navels in front of each other, but in how a pragmatic approach to recognizing errors made can help to keep the team focus on progress, rather than on the blame game.
Staff who see a leader admit a mistake in a pragmatic way are probably more likely to do the same rather than covering up a mess, etc. The focus in meetings becomes one of getting through the issues rather than the back-and-forth of assigning blame and keeping score.
-Scott
Scott, thanks for starting the ball rolling. I agree, no navel gazing, and I like your take on the impact that the “pragmatic” apology might have on the team culture. -Art
Great post about an under-discussed topic. Our team members will watch what we do for clues about what we think is important and how we think they should act. I suggest that to my clients to apologize for behavior that hurts or inconveniences another person, but to be very careful about apologizing for performance. If we’re in a performance culture, performance is data.
The only other thing I would add is that apologizing with words is often not enough. Often some action is appropriate and without that action the apology is perceived as hollow.
Wally, good guidelines on the “hurt or inconvenience” and the cautionary tale on apologizing for performance. You tend to distill into a few words what I can only say in several hundred! Thanks as always.
Art
Your thought points cover the subject well, although I think I would separate the discussion of ‘I’m Sorry’ from ‘I was wrong.’ Especially when it comes to performance learning from mistakes is part of the process of improving a process. So unless negligence (or similar) was involved an apology doesn’t necessarily make sense.
I’m thinking about what you have been saying about values having teeth. And I’m thinking that, as values must have teeth to be effective, apologies must have substance. For me, that means a real apology contains three things: 1)authentic remorse 2) a tangible lesson 3) a strong dose of humility.
For instance, if I was to say to someone “I’m sorry you feel that way” or I’m sorry if I offended you” I’d have to say that was “apology lite”, if an apology at all. And, like you, I get really irked when I hear senior government officials apologizing for things that happened long ago especially in cases where all of the perpetrators and all of their victims are long dead. Those instances are historical and belong under the category of “This is what happened. Let’s not do it again”
If there is an apology but no recognition that something has to be done differently, or better, in future then, to me, it is pretty hollow and does little but to make the “apologizer” feel better about him/herself.
And if there is little or no attempt to ask the person or people who have been offended what you can to do to make it right for them then it lacks humility.
I like Fred’s remarks, that there is a significant difference between “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong”. The former is ambiguous, the latter quite clear.
I rambled a bit, Art…but I’m not sorry.
An excellent, thought-provoking post!
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