Overheard from Various Managers:
“I have to walk on eggshells around her.”
“He’s volatile, and I don’t want to upset him, so I steer clear and let him do his thing.”
“I’m afraid to confront her.”
“He’s too valuable to the firm, so we all kind of look the other way.”
How Much Energy are You Expending Trying to Walk on Eggshells?
While it’s doubtful that many of us have ever literally attempted to walk on eggshells, the phrase is idiomatic for those situations where we are fearful of confronting or even engaging with someone lest we draw their attention or raise their ire. I reference these individuals as Attitude Bullies.
As an early career leader, I recall one individual who masterfully exuded disdain and annoyance every time I approached him. Whether it was real or just an act to keep the boss away, it worked until I recognized that I could not do my job while ignoring this character.
I’ve observed as other individuals have allowed toxic employees to manipulate team and office dynamics by creating an “aura of fear” to keep people in check.
And in what may be the most commonplace of all situations, many leaders excuse the behavior of these characters by rationalizing the situation. “He’s the best at (insert activity), and we can’t afford to lose him.”
If you can relate to any of the situations above, or, if you have your own special Attitude Bully that you find yourself “walking on eggshells” for, it’s time solve this problem.
(Note: my focus here is on situations where your primary fear is, “fear of reaction.” If you sense fear of physical reprisal, stop reading and engage your manager and HR department immediately.)
Six Ideas for Clearing Away the Eggshells and Coping with Attitude Bullies:
1. Engage. Your instinct is to avoid and ignore. Do the opposite. You need to cultivate a formal boss to employee relationship with the individual in question. Without engaging fairly and professionally with the Attitude Bully in question, you have no behavioral basis for feedback, coaching or ultimately, some form of discipline, including termination.
2. Clarify Accountability. The Attitude Bully understands that his/her approach results in different standards for accountability compared to the broader population. You need to eliminate any opportunity for a double standard by clarifying the individual’s responsibility for results. And while some feedback purists may disagree, the results include actual outcomes as well as process and engagement quality. One manager used post-project performance evaluations from team members and the project manager to facilitate discussions on interpersonal approach, attitude and other behaviors. Regardless of approach, the Attitude Bully must understand what they are accountable for in terms of results and workplace behaviors.
3. Observe Often, Reinforce Positives and Tackle Negatives. Neither the Attitude Bully or anyone around you will take you seriously until you hold this person accountable for their results and for their behavior. The best way to manage this situation is to observe the individual’s work with others as much as possible. If the individual is a true individual contributor without much team involvement, it’s all on your shoulders to engage often enough to offer quality, behavioral feedback. Tackle performance issues immediately and provide positive feedback as long as it is merited.
4. Warning! Don’t Apologize or Attempt to Praise Your Way Forward. It takes time for some managers to overcome their fear of Attitude Bullies, and those initial steps to engage are awkward and even frightening for some. Beware the tendency to engage by apologizing for your intrusion, and resist the urge to offer positive praise for behaviors that simply meet the standards that everyone else is accountable for. You only weaken your case with the Attitude Bully when he observes your visible discomfort via false praise or excessive apologizing.
5. Build on Progress. More than a few Attitude Bullies have responded to appropriate attention from the boss by becoming productive members of the workplace environment. While I’m practicing without a license on this one, I suspect that some behaviors are cries for attention and for respect. Your willingness to pay attention to someone is a powerful motivator. As you observe positive progress, offer appropriate feedback and importantly, test the relationship by extending your trust on workplace responsibilities. Assuming that your trust is rewarded with results, keep it going.
6. Cut Your Losses. There’s a managerial due diligence process (different than a formal HR process) when it comes to dealing with Attitude Bullies. Your intent going into the “adjustment” process should not be to fire, but to help. Follow the guidelines above, provide clear feedback, document your interactions, and look for progress.
At the end of the day, if you are doing your job as a manager, your involvement will neutralize and even help the individual reform, or, you will have the basis for moving down the path of purging this workplace toxin. Ultimately, your issue is not about attitude, but rather about dealing with performance issues. You’ve got to engage to manage.
The Bottom-Line for Now:
Too many managers spend too much time walking on eggshells. They either avoid the Attitude Bullies or, they deal with them in a manner that reinforces aberrant behaviors. You’re much better suited to sweep the eggshells out of the way and engage to either build a better relationship or establish the basis for ending the relationship. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help from a mentor. Your only mistake here is to continue to try and defy physics and walk across the eggshells. You’ll crush something along the way, and it may be your future prospects in your firm.
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